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Showing posts from 2015

Field Notes, December 16th

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So this run up to Christmas business is still hard even when I am feeling healthy. Is it almost more so because my in-built excuse for why I'm not participating at my imaginary shiny elf level is missing? Physically I'm tired, but no more so than is to be expected at this waning of the year, when it is more dark than not and cold rain wants to send me indoors whenever I try and venture out. This time of year is not conducive to running around and seeing all my friends, making a ton of gifts, finding the perfect artisan made options and decorating my nest to new levels of magical grotto-ness and yet I still tilt at that. Just avoiding grotty feels like a challenge enough. Is it a challenge set to torment anyone with an imagination? I can visualise the looks on my loved ones faces as they unwrap the (sparkly with seven bows on top) thoughtfully chosen, ethically sourced/personally hand crafted gift. I can see the glittery magic that I want to wrap around me as I float serene

Loving the fat Buddha

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“Along with the idea of romantic love, she was introduced to another - physical beauty. Probably the most destructive ideas in the history of human thought. Both originated in envy, thrived in insecurity, and ended in disillusion. In equating physical beauty with virtue she stripped her mind, bound it and collected self-contempt by the heap.”  ―  Toni Morrison ,  The Bluest Eye Once upon a time there was a girl who was gifted two Buddhas. One came all the way from Laos, was cast in metal and was a slim, elegant, beautiful figure in a perfect lotus position with the serene smiling/not smiling expression and seemed a very authentic depiction of Zen calm. The other came all the way from a gift shop in Bristol, was cast in clay and was a sprawling, fat bellied, beaming guy who looked like he was too busy having a good time to worry too much about achieving enlightenment. The girl moved house many times in the years that followed and the authentic Buddha came with her wherever she

Climbing a mountain

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Last Sunday I walked up Glastonbury Tor. My third visit in three years and the first time I've had the energy and the physical capability to do so. Standing in the fierce wind, pulling in great lungfuls of fresh, cool air, blood pumping I felt so blessed. Alive, vital and part of the landscape this beautiful hill held me above and connected me to. Third time lucky and also a way marker of the progress of my growing health, a reward for all the physical and soul work I have done. There was a wonderful moment on the final stretch towards the tower when I thought I might have to stop for another wee breather.  Instead of stopping I invited myself to carry on for the extra sense of triumph of stopping when I reached the tower, knowing that it was just one more step, and one more step, and one more step. Knowing that I would allow myself to stop at any time freed me to carry on right to the top in one final, glorious (sweaty, huffy puffy) move. It might sound insignificant b

Out of the frying pan and in to the fire

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I was having a chat with my very wise and lovely friend  Kelly  the other day and we touched on the proverb "out of the frying pan and in to the fire". We both concluded that given the choice, sometimes, the decisiveness of the fire has to be preferable to the frying pan but getting in that fire takes a lot of courage. When I jumped from my publishing job I thought I was stepping out of the frying pan and going to sit happily at the kitchen table. I wrapped up my departure in stories of creative businesses I was going to start, arty jobs that would satisfy me and convey me gracefully from my ever decreasing life to one of joy and fulfilment. I see now these were comforting fairy tales I had to tell my mind. Distractions to let me jump in to the fire. I mean, the fire is so dangerous that our mind just wants us to keep as far from it as possible. Even if we are sizzling up like sausages in the pan, so uncomfortable in our own skins that we might burst, the one thing our mi

Honouring my ancestors

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Peace be with you.

Today while the veil is thin..

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..seems a good day to remind myself of the vows I took while on retreat. I am glow I will be kind I promise to honour my need for water I intend to feel holy I am claiming my connection to the Ancient Graces Thank you Project Slumber and thank you Shan Leigh for your beautiful photographs .

Roll up, roll up...

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..for the autumn pageant. It's a once a year extravaganza but you can't miss it, especially not in England this year. Just open your eyes and it's all around you demanding attention, begging you to inhale great lungfuls of the magnificent scents. Marvel at every tree taking its turn in the spotlight. All. The. Leaves. (Many now in my house!). I used to think that the spike of energy I get in this season of spectacular decay was a little at odds to what was going on around me. I thought it due in part to cool, crisp, bright days and rain soaked breezes refreshing me after the (sometimes) hot summer. Due in the main to the school new year imprinted from childhood and reinforced by years working in academia. The more I slow down and look at what nature is actually doing at this time of year the more I see other clues as to why October is the month in which I start my new year. Underneath the showy shedding of the leaves they are finished with, I now see the deciduo

there is magic in this world and I'm here to share it

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As the Balsamic Moon wanes to vanishing point and the New Moon waits in the darkness I have been reflecting, not just on this lunar phase, but on this solar cycle. This is the twelfth lunation for which I have been following the Lunar Abundance practice . The overarching goal for this past year was to build a sense of trust in myself: to show up, to take care of myself with as much compassion as I could gather. I have deepened into this relationship enormously. I have found a reliability in myself that has often been there for others but gone missing at vital moments when it would have saved me a harder lesson. The gratitude for this alone is heart expanding but, of course, there is more. There is always more if we allow it. At times like these, when words seem clumsy and inadequate in my hands, I am so grateful for the eloquence of others.  Mary captures this hummingbird for me. When I held a little honouring ceremony earlier this evening, sat on the earth, branches overhead an

Today I have an inkling of fondness for:

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the insane good it does me to go retreating with a circle of women , imperfectly/perfectly capturing heaven/hell in a blissful weekend bubble/compound :: consciously cultivating a honeymoon re-entry weekend with my beloved :: everything Mary Oliver has ever published :: the theme song from Maid Marion  :: and also (by the power of the divine nudge/YouTube suggestion) remembering Round the Twist  :: coming home to a freshly made bed and a welcoming Siamese :: my new travel pillow :: conkers :: the rush of the Isis at Iffley Lock :: I have to stop YouTube - now we're Star Trekkin :: lamp light :: making a playlist in my Amazon music library in the sure and certain knowledge that they are pushers and I am sucked right in to their game :: the many grains of Cape Cod that travelled the 3,500 odd miles with me :: a room of my own :: tangible and intangible souvenirs :: the weird moments of awakeness that jetlag give you :: passing out half way through trying to watch the semi-final o

Today I like:

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Second blooming roses :: watching a repeat of the latest episode of The Great British Bake Off :: having a blog :: the scent of blended lavender, vetiver, rosewood and ylang ylang essential oils :: cosying with a hot water bottle :: the round promise of heavily laden apple trees :: tiny, fluffy feathers :: camomile and spearmint tea :: the promise of the weekend stretching ahead :: needing a massage, booking a massage, feeling the relaxation of having had a massage :: grey skies sending me inside :: smoked salmon trimmings :: my new hare rubber stamp :: feeling tendrils of sleep creeping on to the horizon :: the colour orange :: living next door to a park :: knowing I will give in to the call of the afternoon nap :: sinking in to the invitation to delight in this moment ::

TGIF

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I shuffle the deck and pull out a word card most days. This Trust one seems to spin round fairly often, perhaps I notice it more  because I feel it so much when I see. I feel the absolute simple truth of it, there aren't questions about what it means or a frisson of excitement about what might be in store. Instead, in my stomach, I feel the truth of it as a clench and relax, a warmth spreading through me as I deepen in to what it is like to live a life where I  Trust  me to look after me. I am so Grateful to be learning how to do that with greater ease day by day, to have chosen to create the space in my life to really dig in to what a life well lived means for me and for playful resources like oracle and tarot cards that aid my inner understanding. This week I think my greatest Inspiration  came in my second ever Falun Gong  class; taught free by dear, generous people I am loving finding new Faith  in the energy within and around my body, in the unseen and the unproven.

TGIF - Easing in to this...

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The newly blossoming easy breezy part of my self is rather delighted that I started this TGIF practice and then immediately missed posting for two weeks. The strict disciplinarian part is raising an eyebrow but she's secretly thinking the grass is rather green and lush over on the easy breezy side! This week there is a new trust in the cycles of my body. Grumpiness at my tiredness on Bank Holiday Monday when there were so many things I wanted to DO was released much more quickly than ever before. I tried to just be grateful I didn't have to work - sank in to the resting - took a nap, started a new novel and then a sweet, caffeine boost saw me out for an evening dinner and walk and a beautiful end to a lovely weekend. Next day, energy to scoop up the essential tasks left aside the previous day. Who knew it could be like this? I am so grateful  to be feeling the rewards of all my healing work these past eighteen months, my body is stronger and happier if not day by day, certa

Oooh I remember this

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I am in the clutches of obsession over a new project and it feels delicious. Inspiration hit yesterday and only the possibility of making my fingertips bleed shoving the needle through the firm fabric stopped me stitching! I've been weighing up how to remodel a rather grubby and too sugar pink laptop case that was rescued from someone's rubbish months ago. On Monday I suddenly knew it had have trees embroidered on it. The catalyst responsible for this happy creative action was a tour of some North Oxfordshire Artweeks open studios  on Saturday afternoon. Fabulous company , wonderful things to look at and scenery to tour through. We finished in the cosiest, arty cottage - think log fire, flagstone floors and a tumbling cat and and dog - relaxed, colourful and layered with life and lovely things. It illustrated exactly what home means to me and gave me a new appreciation for my attempts at curating chaos and feathering my nest. I thought that was my big gift from th

TGIF - a practice

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As I sit here trying to type out my first TGIF post following the example from The Gifts of Imperfection I am forced to acknowledge that one thing perfectionists hate is having their practising observed when they are engaged in something that matters deeply; so much less scary to deal with all of that in private and only let others see when things are more polished!  I guess that is where I'll start then:  Trusting  that undertaking actions like this that make me feel all squeamy are a brilliant way to be vulnerable and practice living authentically. I am so Grateful of course for the book that is inviting me up to my edges and drawing me out and for the things that do that in everyday life, some gently,wonderfully and almost without me noticing (hello spring, hello flowers) and some painfully such as feeling sad on Wednesday without any apparent cause. From that sad place I sought external words of wisdom prowling around the blog world and was enormously Inspired  

Words and plants

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Two words to sum up a week relaxing down in Cornwall at my Mum and Dad's slice of lovely. Three and bit novels inhaled - probably more reading than the rest of the year combined. Lots of gentle meandering walks in their garden and by hedgerows, enjoying the abundance of the plant world springing forth. Coming back in for cups of tea, treats with clotted cream and diving in to reference books to identify the more mysterious of the plants observed. Every day I feel like I learned so much and filled up the space in my brain that normally churns over the work dilemmas du jour with little gems of knowledge. One of my favourite learnings: the Latin name officinalis  comes from the word officina , used for the storeroom of a medieval monastery where medicines were kept. This is why it is given to many plants from which drugs can be obtained, such as for the beauty  Taraxacum officinale  or Dandelion pictured above. Letting that information dance around my brain it feels li

The clearing

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"If we stop long enough to create a quiet emotional clearing, the truth of our lives will inevitably catch up with us." Brené Brown - The Gifts of Imperfection I read those words a couple of weeks ago now and it was one of those beautiful moments in life when your mind and body understand something together. There was a deep exhale and a huge sense of gratitude and relief that not only had I found another person out there who really gets it and is eloquent enough to express it but praise be - the crowning glory - she's written a guidebook to aid me on the next stage of my voyage, sailing through the swamp. As much as I have worked on letting go of 'why? ' it's a relief to have someone validate why things have been the way they have for the last 18 months, why that hasn't looked or felt anything like I imagined it might , why moving out of survivial mode has been hesitant , full of ups and downs , fumbles and stumbles . If you're running from y

What makes you walk on a rainy day?

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Yesterday was a day full of potential and no plans, and honestly, a day I really wanted to be sunny so that we would be inspired to go for a rambly, up close with the fresh air and nature walk. By lunchtime it was clear that it was not going to be a clear sky day, the grey was set. Low, mizzly when it wasn't actively throwing down the rain. There were other ways to enjoy our time but the woods were calling me and more unusually my body was asking to go. I'm starting to feel the love for stretching and moving my body, sparks of energy that are building in to flames in glorious danger of setting fires. Desires to move that come from deep within rather than thinking that I should do some exercise. It is a huge sign of increasing health and all but alien to me. I used to hear friends talk about going for a run/to an exercise class/playing a match because they wanted to and could only translate that in to them having more willpower, more drive to exercise than me. I could ofte

Acceptance

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The more there is, the more there is. The more I accept where I am right now the more that I can see is wonderful and awesome right now. Making progress in so many ways . Acceptance and I found a new peace when I read the following in my Mindfulness course text: "Acceptance doesn't mean merely putting up with, or resignation, or even stoic endurance. It's more positive than any of these. It's also more active. Acceptance comes from the Latin capere, which means to touch... a willingness to have the experience, to feel it." I've always been afraid to accept, I understood it as passive, as settling. That fear still creeps in at the edges of trusting and surrendering but I see it now for what it is just as I understand better the immense power in acceptance. In reality it's not about saying oh well, that's the way it is, nothing that can be done. It's about making space and time to feel it, to inhabit it fully and let it move on. Accepting an

Vinegar and a new motto

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At the weekend I poured dilute vinegar over my head and I really rather liked it. For the last year or two I've been gradually trying to detox our house and beauty products in a consistent way.  Replacing potentially environmentally, or human, harsh products with commercially available or home-made friendlier alternatives. Home-made is definitely where I'm happiest in principle - because of the economics, the reduction in packaging impact and the control. It is also where I find it hardest to get to in practice. Gathering ingredients and then taking the time to make something in sync with when a product needs replacing has been more than I've had energy for so often. Particularly because I often get stuck in the research phase: reading the books, the articles, pinning all the pins . I want to take advantage of the shared experience to try and get things 'right' and yet the more I read, often the more complicated I make something essentially simple. Like my wee

Words unleashed

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In the company of three wise and wonderful friends I made a happy little deck of words this weekend. It surprised me by being an almost unbelievably satisfying and joy inducing project. I'd hardly given it a scrap of thought in advance which I'm convinced is where part of the magic lies. I am rarely spontaneous in my creating; hopefully this will encourage me to be a little more so. I knew I'd have some great tools on hand as Kelly shares her toys very nicely indeed and I had a beautiful pack of coloured card that clearly made me buy it knowing what it wanted to be one day. When we settled in to play I'd got the idea refined as much as knowing I wanted to create something like flash cards - flash cards of inspiring, thought provoking words. I have strong memories of sitting happily in our dining room as a child with my deck of cards, learning words, getting tested on spelling. I love to spell. I wish we'd had spelling bees instead of sports days at school. I kn

Softly in to the New Year

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The Christmas decoration are still up. Taking it slow this year. I'm glad to be easing back in to routines and stretching in to the New Year but still craving the sparkling cosiness that the holidays bring so much of. As ever I am so not ready for the kind of brisk spartan jumping to attention that gets pushed so hard in this month of resolving to be something other than who you find yourself to be. I'm really rather liking where I find myself to be at the moment. Moving at a pace that feels right, changing it as the day demands. Finding ways to let expectations drift away. Making fresh starts in gentler, more regular adjustments. Taking small steps rather than just thinking about big leaps. Warm and soft in the glow of fairy lights and beeswax candles. I made the one above a couple of months ago and made another batch last weekend. Mostly poured containers which are fast to do and so satisfying. I love knowing that they are a healthy addition to my environment as well a