Thursday, April 23, 2015
I read those words a couple of weeks ago now and it was one of those beautiful moments in life when your mind and body understand something together. There was a deep exhale and a huge sense of gratitude and relief that not only had I found another person out there who really gets it and is eloquent enough to express it but praise be - the crowning glory - she's written a guidebook to aid me on the next stage of my voyage, sailing through the swamp.
As much as I have worked on letting go of 'why?' it's a relief to have someone validate why things have been the way they have for the last 18 months, why that hasn't looked or felt anything like I imagined it might, why moving out of survivial mode has been hesitant, full of ups and downs, fumbles and stumbles. If you're running from yourself, trying to be what you think you should be then when you stop running you need to be patient and strong to not sprint away again. I guess I knew on the deepest level that it was time, so I've resisted the urge to try and shut Pandora's Box, knowing that I couldn't stuff the issues back in again and that there was a reason I flung it open in the first place.
It's not that I just found Brené's work. I scribbled down notes from one of Brené's Ted talks last spring, I've watched her on Oprah since and felt the truth of what she was talking about which is why I asked for the book for Christmas. Yet it wasn't until this month that I felt the urge to read it; I dove in and it scooped me up from the start of a spiral down and has delivered me again to a clearing. I love how the right book can find you at the right moment. Here with all the experiences and explorations of the past years within me I am resting a while, enjoying the abundance of spring and reading this book for a second time. I have new language for this next phase of development and a huge hit more love for myself as I consciously start to practice integrating courage, compassion and connection. Last year I think I could grasp the ideas intellectually but I wasn't ready to start to embody them.
So one tiny step at a time I am opening up and embracing all of me. Just writing this post and particularly that sentence makes me want to hit backspace, does it sound too self indulgent, too hippy, too raw? And so it goes, I have become adept at hiding in plain sight but with Brené to hand I can see that feeling the awkwardness, feeling that vulnerability is a sure sign that I am going in the right direction for me right now. The sentence stays and with each seemingly tiny act of courage I take a step further in to my wholehearted life.