Field Notes, December 16th
So this run up to Christmas business is still hard even when I am feeling healthy. Is it almost more so because my in-built excuse for why I'm not participating at my imaginary shiny elf level is missing? Physically I'm tired, but no more so than is to be expected at this waning of the year, when it is more dark than not and cold rain wants to send me indoors whenever I try and venture out.
This time of year is not conducive to running around and seeing all my friends, making a ton of gifts, finding the perfect artisan made options and decorating my nest to new levels of magical grotto-ness and yet I still tilt at that. Just avoiding grotty feels like a challenge enough. Is it a challenge set to torment anyone with an imagination? I can visualise the looks on my loved ones faces as they unwrap the (sparkly with seven bows on top) thoughtfully chosen, ethically sourced/personally hand crafted gift. I can see the glittery magic that I want to wrap around me as I float serenely from one meaningful social gathering to the next, warming myself and others at the fire of happy humanity. I have even resisted pinning all the pins of the fake styled Christmas that I know is a mirage set to drive everyone round the twist searching for it. Yet my own internal pin board has all the recipes, all the experiences I want to enjoy and the new traditions that I want to create.
I know I have already found joy and sparkle this festive season whenever I really do find pockets of time to connect, or moments of quiet to reflect on my countless blessings. I just need to recognise the external and internal programming and try and let go of my own expectations and feel my way through. Accept that presents muddled in with everyday detritus, decorations lingering in the loft, lists with not much crossed off, endless post office queues and the odd bout of effing and jeffing are part of this picture today.