Friday, October 11, 2013
A day of my own
Outwardly I am quietly puttering in the most delicious of ways: crafting, tidying, chatting on the phone, pinning and eating. Fluffing my nest! Inwardly I am busy as a bee incorporating the most wonderful hit of love, light and revelation from last week. Redfox Retreats = one of the most precious, significant, AWESOME events of my life. Dreamt up by three of the most amazing women you could ever have the privilege to meet, attended in the fullest sense of being present by sixteen of the most amazing women you could ever have the privilege to meet. True kindred spirits and very foxy ladies too!
At the start of the year I remember a drive down to see to my family. I was in the passenger seat, chattering away, ruffled and fidgety in a way I am not normally on a car journey. I remember saying "I feel like I might have to kick over the traces." Months later, after trying so very hard not to do so, that is exactly what I did, I reared up and ran off. I'd narrowed down the culprits and realised I couldn't carry on with my current job and feel anything but less day by day and so I bolted, scared of what would happen if I didn't.
Last month I breathed deep, sat in the sun, started the new job feeling worn out but hopeful that this would be the golden ticket to happiness. As I had been afraid they would old feelings of guilt I wasn't doing more crept in despite so many souls around me telling me to just rest a while. I was trying so hard to start making gorgeous things (that I wanted to make - don't get me wrong!) so I could sell them and hold on to the emerging dream. The dream of a life where I only work part-time outside my home doing a job I love. Instead of being in the moment I was already worrying about a depleting savings account and what I would have to do next.
Last week all the things that I know, the things I have been trying to force in to my being since I first picked up a pair of knitting needles nearly seven years ago, finally started to become more than knowledge. They started to become true beliefs as I started to write the story of my choosing. I finally truly felt that it was more than okay to put myself first, it was essential to allowing all I want to give. I can stop being afraid and start acting out of love. With enough love and self-care anything is possible, every dream I will hold will become what it should be.
Last words of this post belong to my Mama. When I was on the phone telling her about the week all but bursting with joy and excitement she asked if it felt like when I had got back from Brownie camp. Apparently I had flopped on to my bed and said 'It was like a dream.' Was it like that? oh YES!!!